Well. It is that time of year again. You may be thinking Fall, but no. What I am talking about is fundraising season. Every Dalton, Hailey, Kimberly, Diana, and Michael are out hawking their wares like gypsies. Only more scary because they are related to you/related to your boss/sociopaths outside the grocery store. You know you have to purchase something. You don't want to be the *only* person at the Thanksgiving table with *nothing* ordered from the catalog of the teen trying to go rebuild a broken village in some third world country that was hit by a tornado/tsunami/plague of STDs. Well, unless you are me. If you are me you do horrible things to the catalog, convince other people to do them too and then smile whilst handing back the catalog You do this all while thinking about looking at Target for that candle/wrapping paper/popcorn container/peanut brittle/ whateverthehecktheyareselling because you know it is going to be a third the price there.
I am known, occasionally, for my different ... perspective on things. I just view things a little different from other people or they view things different than me. Either way, I am quirky. Unique? Odd? Yes. Often odd. I am cool with it. I *like* odd. So anyway, my SIL flies down for a visit. She brings with her the fundraiser form for her child #1. He is selling candles. *Yankee candles* (I find this funny because they are sooooooo rooted in not a Yankee state, but I digress). She brings the form on her mini vacation and whips it out at the family dinner. In the following conversation the (hugs) are my internal monologue. I frequently have my own conversations. Some things are better left unsaid, but I like to think the hell out of them (so they go to heaven).
SIL: You should take the catalog with you and decide what you want.
(I am soooo longing to look at a fundraiser catalog while relaxing at a hotel. Whatever would I do with my time otherwise?)
Me: Sure. Their stuff is great (for making me sneeze. OMG I *do not* need another candle). Do you have any apple in the catalog?
(I can always use apple and if I buy apple husband probably won't murder me. Maybe)
SIL: Oh, I don't know (huh?) You will have to look and see. *AND* The catalog is scratch and sniff.
Me: (trying not to break my neck with my suddenly captured attention) Whuk? Scratch and SNIFF!!!! (Best catalog ever.)
SIL: Yup. You want to see it?
Me: (Winning best Aunt ever award) Oh, yes I do!
...... later, much, much later.....
Several members of the family are splitting a hotel room. We are all chilling and (finally!) it is my turn to see what I want from the catalog. Turns out. I am poor. I do not want anything. However I am intrigued by the catalog. There are magic circles. If you rub the magic circle... suddenly, fragrance! Pine, sugar cookies, baked apples, pumpkin pies... all sorts of glorious fragrance erupt from the pages. These pages smell fantastic. Also, extremely realistic. As I am sniffing... vanilla something or other I think "huh, this smells just like vanilla - I wonder if it tastes like vanilla. Vanilla is like a ninja fragrance. Smells good and all, but it will kick your ever lovin' butt with its badness. Sometimes my thoughts are like a cancer. I think them and they eat at me until I have to just get them out. I start obsessing. What do the circles taste like??? I look around. Someone is showering, someone is blowing dry hair, someone is changing in a closet... *no one* is looking at me. Score.
Anyone who knows me well would find my next action very hard to believe. I am a bit of a germ phobe. I pretend to sniff the pine. Surely anything that strong smelling will taste like something - right? So. I pretend to sniff and instead... put my tongue on the circle. Nothing. No flavor at all. I am so astounded that I just lick another one. And another. OK - I definitely licked at least five more until... I am caught.
Niece: Gasp! Did you just lick that?
Me: No. I licked *that* one. You should try it.
Niece: Um, no. Gross.
Me: Seriously. It tastes like *nothing* - smells great tastes like nothing.
Niece: I don't trust you.
Me: When have I lied to you?
Niece: You told Jason the cupcake wrapper was edible like the Chinese candy wrapper. He believed you and he ate it.
Me: Yes. I did that. But when have I lied to *you*? Also, I would like to point out you helped me sell that obvious lie. Sheesh!
Niece: Never
Me: Exactly! (thrusting form over) DO IT!
Niece: (hesitating greatly... what *is* wrong with her?????) It...it doesn't taste like anything.
Me: I know! Let's make your mom try! (Snatches catalog and dances off...)
Eventually, every single person in that room licked that catalog. I want to tell you that no circles that are scratch and sniff actually taste like anything. We had seven people in our room. We *all* tried it (eventually... some people and their trust issues!). Then, I made another victim ... errrr... relative try it the next day.
I didn't order anything, but I sure did have fun with the catalog.
Before you ask. No. We never told her that we all tasted the pages of her catalog. And you can't either. Sometimes at night I think about her with that catalog in her Sunday school class and people thinking... why does this catalog smell like mouth?
