I think I am Dressobic or have Lumberjackadressophobia. Maybe both

Two months ago one of my kids said to me "Hey! My quience anera is coming up!! Say you will come pleeeease!" I have never been to one. These "15" birthdays are supposed to be a spectacular cultral event frought with traditions. Naturally, I said "Yes! I will be there" Two weeks ago said 14 terrorist said that I needed to be in a dress. Wut? Yes, a dress. Not just any dress... it has to be a formal dress. Sigh. I do not own a formal dress. Great. Now I have to shop. Fortunately, my mom took pity on me and helped me figure out the dress situation.

I want to tell you the last time I wore a formal dress, besides my wedding dress (which was amazing), was nearly 20 years ago. I can wear a dress, but a formal dress is a whole other thing. On my way to said party I sopke with a pal of mine who began a documentation of my commentary as I panicked about wearing such a formal dress. I allowed someone into the innerworkings of my mind and... had my thoughts documented for me. So, welcome to my conversation. These kinds of thoughts are constantly in my brain. For those of you believing I have no filter, you are dead wrong. I have one that thing is overloaded.

A friend of mine (that friend is me) doesn't usually dress up, and tonight she's wearing a formal dress. "I'm wearing 'extra underwear' so it feels like pants" I asked, "What do you mean, 'extra underwear,' like how many pairs?" "I'm such a dude. I'm a man in a dress. I feel like a lumberjack wearing a dress. I'm wearing two pairs of underwear and hose..." And the quotes continue. I'll keep you abreast of developments.

To defend myself, I think I might have an allergy to hose. Also, I suck at dress up.

‎"I hope no-one saw my pull my keys out of my boob." The dress had no pockets. Where else should they have been?

 ‎"I intentionally mis-learned [Spanish] just to piss off my professor, so I might ask where the library is instead of the bathroom." This comment addresses my fear of being the only English speaker at the party. Also, I hated my Spanish professor so whatevs. Libraries *have* bathrooms, people! 

PS - I couldn't picture her in a dress, and just found out that she bought a dress for this occasion. Amigo, there is a reason you can't picture it. The reason: because I looke like a dude when walking.


about the dress: "It's not sleeveless, but they're not sleeves. It's like... a thing..." Well, they didn't have straps either. I don't know the name of what the things that go over my shoulders is. I think it may actually be "thing."

 ‎" I got black hose because they feel more like pants."
Me - "Yeah because any other color feels less like pants, right?"
‎"Well the other color said nude." And in at least 17 states nude equals naked. TYVM.

 ‎"Is there a such thing as dress-phobia? Dress-o-itch-i-phobia? Dress-o-bic Lumber-jack-a-dress-a-phobia: The fear of looking like a lumber jack in a dress." I have it. This is a dreadful phobia equal to the phobia of fluffy, baby kittens or sleeping butterflies.

‎"I'm not convinced that I know to pee in a dress, Do you pull it up? and then how do you hold the three layers of underwear." Ha... this is a real issue, people!

‎"You can't wear a diaper with this dress." My pal suggested a diaper. Really? I have on three pairs of underthings. Where would I even put a diaper??

‎"You can't really get to any part of me in a dress, but you can see everything, because it's a dress." Modesty is not something that should be laughed at. Unless you are. In that case, laugh all you want. I am not getting any uncomfortable sunburns. Thank you, modesty.

‎"Maybe I should have just mailed a card" I was feeling exhasperated... at the laughter on the other end of the line.

‎"I'm pretty sure I'm 5' tall. My drivers licence says 5'4". I'm probably 5'4" with these shoes on."

‎"I'm wearing more underwear than all the hookers in the city." I don't think there needs to be anything further on this because I was.

‎"I have an itch on my arm, cuz...it....itches..." Dress allergy. This is a serious disaility, folks!

‎"Can you wear a corduroy jacket with this?" I was cold dammit!

 My friend - "No, you're absolutely not allowed to wear that... Absolutely not." Sigh. I might just do it and not tell you....

‎"I'm like prom-barbie over here, just not wearing lipstick..." Because I hate it. Take that formal dress! My own personal rebellion!! Whoop!

‎"I'm just trusting my GPS to get there, but I have no idea where I am. Where the hell, fire, and damnation am I?" I was sooooo entirely lost! I think that my GPS was leading me out into nowhere with plans to murder me. And... I wasn't far off the mark...

These people in the care beside me? Freaked. Me. Out. "Their whole back seat is filled up with trash bags and tupperwear. I think they're serial killers."

When I arrive at the location I am the ONLY person dressed up. FOR REAL!

 ‎"If that ______ told me to wear a dress and I'm the only one in a dress I'm gonna cut her."

"I feel like I showed up to the beach.... in a prom dress."
‎"I think I can make this dress look non-dressy."
‎"I have sparkely shit in my hair. If that man with the orange shorts and a long-sleeve white cotton shirt and tennis shoes is at the same party as me, I'm gonna be pissed."

I arrived early because the invitation said 7:30 and I didn't want to be late. I forgot that this party would not be run on white people time. There was no need to arrive at 7:25. As I sat in my car to await 7:35 I saw some sights. A crack head going into a crack house...
 ‎"Oh ______, this man beside me just took a piss! Where am I?! What if my car gets stolen? Wait, do you still have your other car? If my car gets stolen can I borrow it?" A good friend would not have laughed at me. A *good friend* would have said yes. Wait, yes was the answer, but I detected laughter in there.

I look in the mirror and pretend not to see the peeing man...
 Gasp!! "I forgot to wear earrings! Who wears 3 pairs of underwear and forgets earrings?!"

Show time!
 ‎"How do I get out of the car without my _________ showing?" Veeeerrrrry carefully, that's how....

Being afraid of not knowing how to use the potty in my dress made me have to go.
"I successfully used the ladies room"
My pal - "didn't you swear you wouldn't use the bathroom?"
‎"Yes, I lied. Are you wondering if I'm lying about not wearing the jacket?"
My pal - "Did you just wash your hands or something? I'm not really worried about your corduroy showing."
‎"No. I lied about not using it. I totally had to go and then I worried about getting ARMPIT PRINTS on the hem (?) seam (?) bottom (?) of my dress because of my deodorant and having to tuck all this dress someplace.  ‎And I'm not wearing the effing jacket. I hate how you were right."

So, the party that started at 7:30? Nope. 9:12....
‎"I *WAS* starving. Seven bites of food. No more hungry."

You know why I wasn't hungry anymore? The dress. I think it is made of boa constrictor.
 ‎"I think that the weight loss people have it wrong. When dieting you should just wear three pairs of undies. It curbs the appetite."

My pal suggest I write a book about weight loss...
About my new weight loss book: "Chapter 1. Wear three pairs of undies with a formal gown 24/7. End book."

Despite a small malfunction where my bra thought it was a belt, I did OK.
 "I lost my bra. It is strapless." followed an hour and a half later by "I survived the dress. And. I did the Party Rock Anthem Hamster dance. In. The. Dress." :)

Guess what? I *DID* do the Party Rock Anthem Hamster Dance it that dress. And I killed it!


Oh, the party? Awesome. I suggest everyone attend one at least once in your life. Serisously. GO! Go, now! Just be sure not to wear a boa constrictor.